There are some losses that do not simply change your life. They shatter the world as you knew it.
The death of a baby or child is one of those losses.
It can leave you standing in a life that looks familiar from the outside, but feels completely unrecognisable from the inside. The house may be the same. The people around you may be the same. The world may keep moving in the way it always has.
But you are not the same.
You may feel as though the foundations of your life have cracked open. The future you imagined has disappeared. The person you thought you were may feel far away. You may find yourself wondering, quietly or desperately:
Who am I now?
If this is where you are, you are not alone.
Parental grief is not just sadness
Grief after the death of a baby or child can feel overwhelming because it is not only about missing someone.
It is the loss of a relationship.
The loss of a role.
The loss of a future.
The loss of the life you thought you were living.
It may be the grief of a pregnancy that ended too soon. A baby who died before or shortly after birth. An infant or child who was deeply known and loved. Or a child whose whole life was held in hope, preparation and imagination.
However long your baby or child lived, your love was real.
And when that life ends, or when the hoped-for path to parenthood is taken away, the grief can reach into every part of you.
It can change how the world feels
After the death of a baby or child, many parents describe the world as feeling unsafe.
Things that once felt certain may no longer feel certain. You may feel anxious, numb, angry, detached, frightened or constantly on edge. You may find yourself waiting for the next terrible thing to happen. You may feel as though your body and mind are bracing, even when nothing obvious is happening.
This does not mean you are failing.
It means something profound has happened.
Your mind, body and heart are trying to respond to an experience that should never have had to be part of your life.
It can be hard to recognise yourself
Parental grief can disrupt identity in a way that is difficult to explain.
You may feel like a parent, but not be seen that way by others. You may be parenting a baby or child who is no longer physically here. You may be carrying love with nowhere obvious to put it.
You may also feel changed in ways that are hard to name.
The things that once mattered may feel different. Ordinary conversations may feel impossible. Other people's normal lives may feel unbearable. You may feel separate from the world, even when you are surrounded by people.
This is one of the cruellest parts of this grief: the world keeps going, even when yours has stopped.
Your grief makes sense
Parental grief can be intense, layered and confusing.
You might feel love and devastation at the same time. You might feel anger, guilt, longing, numbness, fear, envy, tenderness or disbelief. You might want to talk about your baby or child constantly, or you might find words impossible.
You might replay what happened. You might question decisions. You might search for signs. You might fear forgetting details.
None of this means you are grieving incorrectly.
It means the relationship mattered.
It means the loss matters.
It means your baby or child matters.
You do not have to make your grief smaller
Many bereaved parents feel pressure to be okay before they are ready. Sometimes that pressure is spoken. Often it is not.
You may feel that other people are more comfortable when your grief is quiet, tidy or hidden. You may find yourself protecting them from the truth of how you feel.
But your grief does not need to be made smaller so other people can understand it.
There needs to be space for the full truth of it: the love, the longing, the anger, the guilt, the numbness, the fear, the memories, and the ongoing place your baby or child holds in your life.
You are not alone in this grief, even if it feels that way.
Your world may have shattered. You may not know who you are now. Other people may not understand the depth of what you are carrying.
But your grief makes sense.
Your love makes sense.
And your baby or child matters.
A gentle next step
If you are looking for support after pregnancy, baby or child loss, counselling can offer a steady space to begin making sense of your grief and the life that now exists after loss.
You do not need to have the right words before you begin.
You can come as you are.